


on the twelfth night of christmas my true love gayve to me

by LieutenantSaavik



Series: what if shakespeare but memes [3]
Category: Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: Multi, everyone is gay and also really FUCKING stupid, viola said bi rights!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 13:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantSaavik/pseuds/LieutenantSaavik
Summary: twelfth night but instead of everyone starting off gay and ending up straight, everyone starts off straight and ends up gay. there's a dance break and 80s pop music. if that doesn't convince you to read this, nothing will





	on the twelfth night of christmas my true love gayve to me

_Lights up on a bare stage. MALVOLIO, who pretends to be smart, enters, carrying a script. He’s followed by MARIA, who is actually smart, and doesn’t need a script. They turn to face the audience. Maria makes to speak, but Malvolio interrupts her._

**MALVOLIO:** Good morning everyone, and welcome to our production of _Twelfth Night_. Unfortunately, there’s just been a violent shipwreck and it’s left everything a bit fucked, so most of the characters have, uh, _(he checks his script)_ forgotten their lines. Not to worry. I, as stage manager, props manager, and most important personnage in the play, will cover for any mistakes made or plot elements forgotten. I’m _Mal_ volio, a bad side character, not to be confused with _Ben_ volio, a good side character. He’s from another show. Now, without Much Ado--sorry, much _further_ ado, I present--

 **MARIA:** Shut up, Malvolio: the play. _(clears throat)_ I’m Maria, not to be confused with Mariana or, god forbid, Miranda--

 **MALVOLIO:** Why ‘god forbid’ Miranda?

 **MARIA:** She marries her cousin; we’ve been over this. _(clasps hands)_ We turn our attention now to a different ocean tempest, one that doesn’t end with quite so much inbreeding. Tragically, in the aforementioned violent shipwreck, twins Sebastian and Viola have become separated, and each fears the other dead.

_MARIA and MALVOLIO exit to opposite sides of the stage._

**SCENE I: ARRIVAL PT. I**

_Enter VIOLA, dripping wet, and a (female) CAPTAIN, who I picture as Keira Knightley._

**VIOLA:** Where the honest actual fuck am I?

 **MALVOLIO** **:** _(from off)_ The line is ‘What country, friends, is this’!

 **VIOLA:** That’s exactly what I said!

 **CAPTAIN:** This is Illyria, lady.

 **VIOLA:** Elyria? Isn’t that the name of a boring city in Ohio? Well, it’s better to be in Ohio than dead.

 **CAPTAIN:** _(skeptical)_ Allegedly.

 **VIOLA:** Fair enough. The distress of the presumed drowning of my brother is second only to the distress of finding myself in Ohio. Who rules this place?

 **CAPTAIN:** A noble duke, in nature as in name.

 **VIOLA:** That… that doesn’t really tell me anything.

 **CAPTAIN:** Orsino.

 **VIOLA:** Orsino! _(recognising the cue line)_ I… have heard my father name him. He was a bachelor then.

 **CAPTAIN:** He still is a bachelor, but that seems like an odd thing to mention unless you intend to seduce him.

 **VIOLA:** Go big or go home.

 **CAPTAIN:** Fair enough. But you might not have much luck; Orsino’s after the love of a noblewoman named Olivia. He hasn’t made any headway, though, cuz Olivia has forsworn the company of men altogether. _(affectionately)_ A girl after my own heart. _(pause)_ Not _after_ my heart--she’s not pursuing my heart--she’s not gay--although she has forsworn the company of men altogether… _(she considers this)_ Nevermind! Viola, what are you going to do in Illyria? Warning: it’s super sexist here.

 **VIOLA:** I’ll go work for the duke. And who knows? I might even get to seduce him.

 **CAPTAIN:** You can’t work for the duke unless you disguise yourself as a man.

 **VIOLA:** Scratch the seduction, then. Um… got any handy-dandy men’s clothing lying around? Clothing that might have belonged to a small man? A--what’s the term? A twink?

 **CAPTAIN:** The last twink I took across the ocean was a prince, but he got kidnapped by pirates and left all his suitcases behind. I can give you his stuff, if you want it.

 **VIOLA:** Please do! And don’t tell anyone I’m actually a woman, ok?

 **CAPTAIN:** So you’re just gonna go around being a man named Viola?

 **VIOLA:** Um… got any handy-dandy men’s names lying around?

 **CAPTAIN:** How about Cesa--

 **VIOLA:** Caesar! Yes! ‘Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it--oh. You were suggesting something else.

 **CAPTAIN:** I was going to suggest Cesario.

 **VIOLA:** Yeah, that’ll do. Hey, thanks.

 **CAPTAIN:** You’re welcome. Come on; you can get changed, then I’ll lead you to the duke.

_Exeunt._

 

**SCENE II: ARRIVAL PT. II**

_Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN._

**ANTONIO:** Will you stay no longer?

 **SEBASTIAN:** I wish I could. I’m off to Orsino’s court to make my fortune.

 **ANTONIO:** And you don’t want me to come with you?

 **SEBASTIAN:** I couldn’t ask that of you! You have enemies there. You’d put yourself in danger to follow me.

 **ANTONIO:** But--

 **SEBASTIAN:** I care about you and couldn’t stand you taking more risks on my behalf. _(tenderly)_ You saved my life when you rescued me from that shipwreck; let me repay you, at least a little, by keeping you safe.

 **ANTONIO:** But--

 **SEBASTIAN:** Antonio, for you to put yourself in danger would kill me.

 **ANTONIO:** But--

 **SEBASTIAN:** I am bound to the Count Orsino's court. _(he kisses Antonio, quickly, on the mouth)_ Farewell.

_He exits._

**ANTONIO:** Danger? I laugh in the face of danger! I wave pride flags in the face of danger! Yes, come what may, I do adore thee so, that danger shall seem sport, and I will go!

_He exits after Sebastian, determined and gay._

 

**SCENE III: THE PLOT THICKENS**

_On strolls FESTE, Orsino’s fool (which is funny because Orsino’s a fool), dressed in bright colors and at least one stupid-looking neck ruffle. He wears some benign clown makeup and carries a ukulele._

**FESTE:** _(strumming the uke to the tune of ‘What Is Love’)_ Vi-o-la! You love Orsino, Orsino, oh no!

 **VIOLA:** _(calmly)_ Slander.

_The beat drops. FESTE starts to dance. There’s a drum machine, maybe some disco lights._

**FESTE:** Vi-o-la!

 **VIOLA:** _(calmly)_ Libel. Defamation. Character assassination. Since this is the 1600s, one might even say calumny.

 **FESTE:** Surely you don’t deny your burgeoning passion for my idiotic employer, Orsino?

 **VIOLA:** Oh, I don’t deny _that_. I deny the name Viola. My name’s Cesario.

 **FESTE:** Sure, Jan.

 **VIOLA:** My name’s not Jan either.

 **FESTE:** It’s a figure of speech, but noted. I also noted that you didn’t deny me calling Orsino an idiot.

 **VIOLA:** What’s to deny? He’s _absolutely_ an idiot. But fortunately, I’m proud to idenfity as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively, you see. Orsino once asked me if music be the food of love, and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight.

 **FESTE:** Very sexy. What’s Orsino up to now?

 **VIOLA:** It’s around four o’clock, which means any minute he’s going to send me over to Olivia’s house to try to woo her for him.

 **FESTE:** And what’ll he be doing while you’re out there wooing on his behalf?

 **VIOLA:** Sprawling on his pink loveseat, reading pretentious literature, writing bad poetry, drinking expensive wine, and wailing about unrequited love.

 **FESTE:** Oof, his afternoon’s booked solid.

 **VIOLA:** His whole week, really. He does this 24/7.

 **FESTE:** _(affectionately)_ A man after my own heart. _(pause)_ Not _after_ my heart--he’s not pursuing my heart--he’s not gay--although he does sprawl on his pink loveseat, read pretentious literature, write bad poetry, drink expensive wine, and wail about unrequited love… _(he considers this)_ Nevermind!

 **ORSINO:** _(from off)_ Cesario, I need you! You’re the only person in this house with any sense!

 **VIOLA:** Tag yourself, I’m Cesario. Wait.

 **ORSINO:** _(entering)_ Ah, the pangs of despised love! They--pang me.

_HAMLET enters briefly, says something along the lines of, ‘I’m pretty sure that’s my thing,’ and is promptly shoved offstage._

**VIOLA:** At your service.

 **ORSINO:** Good youth, address thy gait unto Olivia; be not denied access, stand at her doors, and tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow till thou have audience.

_He hands her a SONNET. She takes it, still looking at him._

**VIOLA:** _(utterly lovestruck)_ Uh, s-sure.

 **MALVOLIO:** _(from off)_ It’s ‘Sure, my noble lord.’

 **MARIA:** _(from off)_ Shut up, Malvolio.

 **VIOLA:** Wait, people actually said ‘sure’ back then?

 **ORSINO:** Actually, yes. They said things like ‘sure,’ ‘trash,’ and ‘slut,’ but not things like ‘science.’

 **VIOLA:** _(in wonder)_ That explains so much.

 **ORSINO:**  Anyway, if she be so abandon'd to her sorrow, as it is spoke, she never will admit me. Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds rather than make unprofited return.

 **VIOLA:** So basically, just cause a fuckin' ruckus until someone notices me?

 **ORSINO:** Yep.

 **VIOLA:** Great! I do that all the time. Then what?

 **ORSINO:** O, then unfold the passion of my love. Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith.

 **VIOLA:** Haven’t you tried this before?

 **ORSINO:** Well, yes.

 **VIOLA:** Then she won’t exactly be surprised, will she?

 **ORSINO:** She probably will be. I mean, women are stupid.

 **VIOLA:** Excuse me? If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get into gender politics!

 **ORSINO:** If… I want to be… _your_ lover?

 **VIOLA:** NEVERMIND!

_Exeunt._

 

**SCENE IV: THE PLOT THICKENS SOME MORE. IT’S KIND OF LIKE THE TEXTURE OF OATMEAL BY NOW.**

**OLIVIA:** _(stretching out gayly on her loveseat, in her bedroom, running her fingers through her hair)_ Oh, hello. Were you sent hither to seduce me?

 **MALVOLIO:** _(from off)_ Wrong line!

 **MARIA:** _(from off)_ Shut up, Malvolio!

 **VIOLA:** I bear a sonnet from Orsino, who seeks your love.

 **OLIVIA:** Yawn.

 **VIOLA:** He sings your praises.

 **OLIVIA:** I can sing my own praises.

 **VIOLA:** In rhyming meter?

 **OLIVIA:** ...Go on.

_VIOLA clears her throat._

“I love you more than a lamp loves the street.  
I love you more than an ankle loves feet.  
I love you more than a bed loves a sheet.  
I love you more than a sheep loves to bleat.  
I love you more than a bog loves its peat.  
I love you more than a sky loves to sleet.  
I love you more than a Trump loves to tweet.  
I love you more than--

 **OLIVIA:** _(holding her hands over her ears)_ Jesus, that’s bad.

 **VIOLA:** He’s not finished. He concludes with, _(she flourishes the paper)_ “I love you, Olivia, because you’re so sweat.” _(Pause; she looks closely)_ I think that’s a typo.

 **OLIVIA:** Consider me flattered. But uninterested. Very, very uninterested. In him. But you, on the other hand--

 **VIOLA:** Oh, you are too proud! But, if you were the devil, you are fair.

 **MALVOLIO:** _(from off)_ Hey! That’s actually right!

 **MARIA:** _(from off)_ Shut up, Malvolio.

 **OLIVIA:** _(looking off, perplexed by the noise)_ ...Cool. _(back to VIOLA)_ So is Orsino saying that, or you?

 **VIOLA:** Me.

 **OLIVIA:** Fantastic! What does it mean?

 **VIOLA:** Well, No Fear Shakespeare translates it as _(she flips her paper over)_ “I see what you’re like. You’re proud. But you’d still be gorgeous even if you were as proud as the devil.”

 **OLIVIA:** So basically, I’m hot?

 **VIOLA:** Yep.

 **OLIVIA:** Tell me something I don’t know. _(she moves closer to “Cesario”)_ Or just talk more about how pretty I am. Up to you.

 **VIOLA:** Hey, uhhh, I’d better be going. _(thinks for a moment, then says in a rush)_ Farewell, fair cruelty!

 **OLIVIA:** Wait!

_VIOLA speedwalks offstage._

**OLIVIA:** Dammit! _(she looks after “Cesario”)_ Hm. Maybe men aren’t all so bad. I mean, I’m very attracted to you, and you’re a man, totally. Thy, um, tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit, are all, uh… really sexy? _(hollers toward Malvolio)_ IS THAT CLOSE ENOUGH?

 **MALVOLIO:** NO!

 **MARIA:** YES!

_MARIA pushes MALVOLIO onstage._

**MALVOLIO:** _(pointedly shakespearian)_ Here, madam, at your service.

 **OLIVIA:** _(recognising the cue line)_ Run after that same peevish messenger, the county's man: he left this ring behind him. _(Olivia realises she isn’t actually wearing a ring. She searches her dress, which doesn’t have pockets. She looks helplessly toward Malvolio, who shrugs.)_

 **MALVOLIO:** You have to give me _something_.

 **OLIVIA:** Oh, for god’s sake. Run after that same peevish messenger, the county's man: he left this _couch_ behind him. _(she picks up the entire loveseat and thrusts it into Malvolio’s arms. He staggers.)_

 **MALVOLIO:** _(through gritted teeth)_ Madam, I will.

_Exeunt._

 

**SCENE V: THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A RING.**

_Malvolio awkwardly pushes the couch toward Viola. Viola awkwardly pushes it back. Each time the couch gets pushed, it makes a massive and hideous scraping sound across the stage. This interaction repeats itself several times. Exeunt._

 

**SCENE VI: VIOLA SOLILOQUY TIME! Except all the other characters are also onstage, standing around behind her and minding their own business.**

**VIOLA:** I mean, Olivia is pretty. And maybe I could love her, if I saw her more often, but I’m already really attached to Orsino. He’s a good man, a pretty rare thing. But the fool is right--

 **FESTE:** We generally are--

 **VIOLA:** \--He’s very stupid. He projects all his affection onto this “unreachable” woman who doesn’t actually live all that far from him. He wants her to come to him, but she won’t, and he won’t go to her. Why? I dunno! Meanwhile, there’s someone right at his side who’s _actually_ in love with him. What is this? The Great Gatsby? Jeez. I’m pretending to be a guy, so he can’t marry me, but I’m actually a woman, so I can’t marry Olivia--gosh, you know what would solve this?

 **ALL CHARACTERS:** _(with massive enthusiasm)_ GAY MARRIAGE!

 **MALVOLIO:** You know what else would solve this?

 **ALL CHARACTERS:** _(with much lower enthusiasm)_ Straight marriage…

 **MALVOLIO:** I think you mean ‘normal marriage.’

 **MARIA:** Shut up, Malvolio.

 **OLIVIA:** She’s right. Shut up. Also, I hate your yellow socks, and if you wear them one more time, I’ll lock you in the dungeon. _(aside)_ I can do that cuz I’m rich. And I’m that bitch. And since most Shakespeare scenes end with rhymed couplets, I think we’re just about done with this one? _(hurriedly, to VIOLA)_ Oh, unless you weren’t finished solilo--so--solilo…qui…sing? _(aside)_ Is that a word?

 **VIOLA:** Yep, I think I’m done. Pack up the couch, guys.

_All characters begin their exeunt._

**MARIA:** _(to everyone’s backs as she exits after them)_ Somebody better find that ring or nobody can get married later!

 

**SCENE VII: THE MALVOLIO SUBPLOT MAKES A TRUNCATED APPEARANCE**

**MARIA:** Now, Malvolio, are you feeling slighted? Maligned? Snubbed? Rebuffed? Insulted?

 **MALVOLIO:** _Thoroughly._ I wish Olivia liked me.

 **MARIA:** Aw, poor thing. But I know exactly how to get you back in her good graces. I want you to wear those bright, tacky, _ugly_ yellow socks the next time you see Olivia.

 **MALVOLIO:** But Olivia said she hated my socks and that if I wore them one more time, she’d lock me in the dungeon. That doesn’t make sense… unless… women say the exact opposite of what they mean when flirting! Does ‘no’ mean ‘yes’?

 **MARIA:** Why do men even think that? Why do men ever think that?

 **FESTE:** Because they’re stupid?

 **MARIA:** Compelling argument.

 **MALVOLIO:** Alright, I’ll change back into them. But we’re off track with the play! The fool’s supposed to be singing.

 **FESTE:** Oh, really? Where did I leave off? “Oh, I don't know, what can I do? What else can I say, it's up to you. I know we're one, just me and you; I can't--”

 **MALVOLIO:** _(furious)_ Wrong song, you idiot! _(he pulls out his script)_ See here? Right here. It says, _quote_ , “Fool, sings, what is love.”

 **FESTE:** _(snatches the script and throws it away)_ Newsflash, asshole! I’ve been singing What Is Love the entire goddamn time!  
_Sings:_  
What is love?  
Baby don’t hurt me; I have perfect pitch.  
What is love?  
Shut up, Malvolio, because you’re a bitch!

 **MALVOLIO:** You’re intolerable!

 **FESTE:** Guilty as charged.

_ALL characters enter. There’s a brief dance break. VIOLA sings “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more” to ORSINO. OLIVIA sings “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more” to OLIVIA. They segue into the verses: “Oh, I don't know, what can I do? What else can I say, it's up to you. I know we're one, just me and you; I can't go on.” Malvolio, in a huff, turns to leave. FESTE sticks a ‘kick me’ sign on his back. Malvolio doesn’t notice and proceeds to wear it for the rest of the play. Just as the music is about to break into another resplendent chorus, everything grinds to a sudden halt._

**SEBASTIAN:** _(entering so dramatically he could only possibly be gay)_ Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

_A long pause. SEBASTIAN and VIOLA stand pointing at each other in the spiderman meme pose for about two minutes._

**SEBASTIAN:** Why are you me? I’m me!

 **VIOLA:** Wack.

 **MARIA:** What is this? Kin drama? _Twin_ drama?

 **VIOLA:** _(to SEBASTIAN)_ What are you?

 **SEBASTIAN:** _(to VIOLA)_ What are _you_?

_MALVOLIO enters in his disgustingly yellow socks._

**FESTE:** The real question here is WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?

 **OLIVIA:** _(to MALVOLIO)_ That’s it. You’re out of here.

_OLIVIA, helped by MARIA and FESTE, shoves MALVOLIO offstage. VIOLA recovers from her shock and recognises SEBASTIAN. SEBASTIAN recovers from his shock and recognises VIOLA._

**SEBASTIAN:** _(to VIOLA)_ Are you… could you possibly be… my twin sister?

 **VIOLA:** No, I’m just some other random-ass person who happens to look exactly like you. _(off SEBASTIAN’s stupidly confused expression)_ Of _course_ I’m your twin sister!

_VIOLA and SEBASTIAN run to each other, about to embrace. VIOLA stops._

**VIOLA:** But wait--I thought you’d drowned!

 **SEBASTIAN:** Psh. Drowning’s for suckers.

_OPHELIA enters briefly, says something along the lines of, ‘Hey, that’s mean!’ and is promptly shoved offstage, though much more gently than HAMLET was. Again, VIOLA and SEBASTIAN run to each other, about to embrace. VIOLA stops._

**VIOLA:** But wait--how did you get to shore?

 **SEBASTIAN:** Rescued by a sea-captain!

_Yet again, VIOLA and SEBASTIAN run to each other, about to embrace. VIOLA stops._

**VIOLA:** But wait--how did you immediately know I was a woman?

 **SEBASTIAN:** Viola, you’re just holding up a fake moustache on a stick in front of your face. It’s kind of obvious.

 **OLIVIA:** Wait… that moustache was fake?

_VIOLA pulls the moustache away from her face. ALL CHARACTERS gasp. VIOLA shrugs and puts it back on. ALL CHARACTERS relax._

_ORSINO enters, dragging ANTONIO by the ear. Remember when Sebastian mentioned that Antonio had enemies in Orsino’s court? Yep._

**ORSINO:** Found this scoundrel sneaking in from the back.

_ORSINO shoves ANTONIO forward. ANTONIO makes a break for it, sprinting headlong through the cluster of characters in front of him, scattering them all. In the commotion, VIOLA takes the opportunity to end up in ORSINO’s arms. ANTONIO sees VIOLA and mistakes her for SEBASTIAN. The real SEBASTIAN has run into the side of the stage and knocked himself out._

**ANTONIO:** I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just couldn’t stay away!

 **VIOLA:** Who are you?

_ANTONIO believes SEBASTIAN has betrayed him and is pretending not to recognise him in order to stay out of trouble. Nothing could hurt him more._

**ANTONIO:** _(haltingly, stammering)_ I--I saved your--I saved your life--

 **VIOLA:** I’m sorry?

_ANTONIO, distraught, runs off. SEBASTIAN recovers from his self-induced unconsciousness and finds himself face-to-face with a mystified OLIVIA._

**OLIVIA:** Hi. I’m Olivia. _(she proceeds to ignore him, and says to VIOLA)_ So this is your twin brother?

 **VIOLA:** Yeah.

 **OLIVIA:** And you’re actually a woman?

 **VIOLA:** _(smiling)_ Yeah. My real name’s Viola, in case you didn’t catch that earlier.

 **MARIA:** The fool was right!

 **FESTE:** We generally are.

 **OLIVIA:** _(laughingly, to VIOLA)_ Guess this means I can’t marry you.

 **VIOLA:** Guess not. You’re hot, but I can’t return your love.

 **MARIA:** Why?

 **VIOLA:** Because I’m a woman.

 **FESTE:** So?

 **VIOLA:** Because I’m straight.

 **MARIA:** Then why did you say she’s hot?

 **VIOLA:** You got me there.

 **OLIVIA:** _(glumly)_ Well, I guess I spent all that time looking for the ring for nothing.

 **FESTE:** What is this? Lord of the Rings?

 **MARIA:** Well, did you find it?

 **OLIVIA:** Yep.

 **MARIA:** _(aside)_ Damn! I thought I was gonna find it! I was gonna sell it on eBay, buy a plane ticket with the cash, and get the fuck out of Ohio.

 **SEBASTIAN:** Well, Olivia, if you have the ring, you might as well not waste it! I look more or less like Viola, and you thought she was pretty. I’m a man; you’re a woman; we can just get married instead!

 **OLIVIA:** Yeah, that makes sense.

 **ORSINO:** And Viola, since you told me many times that you’re in love with me--I didn’t question it cuz I just thought you were a gay guy--

 **FESTE:** What is this? She’s the Man?

 **ORSINO:** \--We can get married now, too!

 **VIOLA:** So you love me even though I’m a woman?

 **ORSINO:** What do you mean, ‘Even though’?

 **VIOLA:** Oh, I’m just… I’m just kind of surprised you’re not gay.

 **ORSINO:** What? Why?

 **FESTE:** _(helpfully)_ You spend all day sprawling on your pink loveseat, reading pretentious literature, writing bad poetry, drinking expensive wine, and wailing about unrequited love.

 **VIOLA:** And your name literally means bear.

 **ORSINO:** Feste, you have gone too far.

 **FESTE:** Alright! Alright! I’ll scram.

_Exit, pursued by ORSINO._

_Once ORSINO is offstage, ANTONIO re-enters. SEBASTIAN sees him--but ignores him._

**SEBASTIAN:** So, Olivia, we’re getting married? This is great. Otherwise, _(he laughs)_ You would have been contracted to a maid!

 **OLIVIA:** Yes, ha, ha.

 **SEBASTIAN:** Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived; you are betroth'd both to a maid and man. Get it? Maid, which means virgin? I’m a man, but I’m a virgin?

 **ANTONIO:**  I know for a _fact_ that you're not--

 **SEBASTIAN:** _(pretending not to hear him) --_ And, nature fixing up all the unnatural bits-

 **ANTONIO:** What, so now you’re straight _and_ homophobic?

_He exits again, upset._

**SEBASTIAN:** Your love for Viola was transferred to me, and so, my love, we can finally be married!

_He smiles. There’s a long, unhappy pause. MARIA claps sarcastically. MALVOLIO and ORSINO re-enter._

**ORSINO:** Whomst locked this guy in the dungeon? _(he looks around)_ Aw, shit. Why's everyone so sad?

 **OLIVIA:** _(looking after ANTONIO, she makes a decision)_ Guys… we gotta do better.

 **MALVOLIO:** Do better? You can’t ‘do better’ than this! This is a classic, a Shakespearean epic, a work of art, a--

 **VIOLA:** _(arriving at the same conclusion)_ No, Olivia’s right. This ending leaves Antonio alone, his love unrequited, while just about every other character that speaks is shunted off into a poorly-developed romantic pairing, kissing someone they’ve known for mere hours. What is this, The Breakfast Club? No. In Shakespeare’s time, every play had to end with one of two tragedies: the tragedy of everyone ending up dead, or the tragedy of everyone ending up straight. But this isn’t, I dunno, 1612--

 **MALVOLIO:** 1601.

 **VIOLA:** This isn’t 1601, this is 2019! So you know what? Vi-ola more like Bi-ola! _(she turns to Olivia)_ And you’re gay!

 **OLIVIA:** Obviously I’m not gay.

 **MALVOLIO:** You fell in love with a woman.

 **OLIVIA:** You got me there.

 **MARIA:** Olivia? More like Oh-lesbian!

 **FESTE:** _(from off)_ That was a bad joke!

 **MARIA:** _(to FESTE)_ _You’re_ a bad joke!

 **OLIVIA:** The whole conceit of this thing is, like, oh, it’s sooo funny that I’m in love with you, because you’re actually a woman? As if two women can’t get it on? Bitch, please! Not only _can_ they, but it’s _better!_  So, Viola… you really think you could love me? Instead of Orsino? I mean, what does Orsino have to say about all this?

 **ORSINO:** Well… while the two of us were offstage, Feste convinced me, actually. I think… I think I really am gay. _(pause)_ Sorry.

 **VIOLA:** _(warmly)_ Don’t be sorry!

 **MARIA:** _(claps ORSINO on the back)_ We’re proud of you, dude.

 **SEBASTIAN:** _(a slow realisation)_ So this leaves me free to go be with Antonio--

 **ORSINO:** _(wailing)_ But it leaves me single!

_Pause._

_FESTE enters, wipes off his clown makeup, winks at ORSINO, tries to lean sluttily against a wall but misses, falls, stands up, dusts himself off, and strikes a pose._

**FESTE:** Well, there’s me.

 **ORSINO:** You know what? I’ll think about it. _(he pauses revels in the moment, looks at all the people around him, and smiles.)_ Ah. If music be the food of love--

 **ALL CHARACTERS, even MALVOLIO:** _Gay on._

**Author's Note:**

> "olivia more like oh-lesbian" works when you say it out loud, i promise.
> 
> this entire thing was just an excuse for me to make the "exit, pursued by orsino" joke


End file.
